Why We F*@%ing Hate Hanzo (and Everyone Who Plays Him)

Anyone who plays Overwatch, we mean really plays Overwatch, will tell you that it’s not just a game. Overwatch is all-consuming, it’s a lifestyle, and it absorbs your thoughts and your time. Since it is such a huge emotional commitment, players are prone to heightened reactions and understandably so. With all of that said; can we please say how much we f*@%ing hate the character Hanzo!?

Do you main Hanzo? Are you offended that we have something to say about your favourite character? Well, we’re not sorry and we have one hell of a compelling argument for why he sucks!

First of all, Hanzo is brutally OP for the skill required to play him (that means “overpowered” for the uninitiated) and anyone who mains Hanzo exploits that. Don’t sit there and pretend you don’t. Don’t tell us that you’ve never spammed hits to power up your ultimate. If you are a Hanzo player, then you have, and you do, and we resent that. He has the ability to deal up to 125 points of damage in a single hit and 200 points per second with his ultimate making him a cheese beast. His ability to climb walls and perch in ridiculous places makes him susceptible to only a few characters. Admit it, if your playing against a Hanzo, you’ve basically given D’Va a full time job keeping him in line.

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Now let’s talk a bit more about his weapon(s). The hitbox on his arrows is huge, one of our coworkers calls his weapon “a brick on a stick” because it’s so easy to land a critical shot without even aiming. No, really! Seriously! Watch the kill cam playbacks, Hanzo barely aims! On top of that, he deals splash damage and has a pretty big AoE (area of effect). Here we’re just going to cry foul! How do arrows deal splash damage? Please explain the physics of this Blizzard, because we are genuinely baffled! And then there’s his ultimate attack; those damn dual dragons that travel the length of the map and can even infiltrate your spawn point. How is that fair?  It’s not. It’s bullshit. End of discussion.

Like we said, we are not going to apologize if you play Hanzo and are offended by this rant. Even if, by some matchmaking miracle, we end up on your team as opposed to against you, we are still pissed off. Hanzo’s sins are unforgivable: he requires no skill to deal ridiculous damage, if you play as him you should change your gamertag to “I don’t care about the team”, and he’s never ON THE F*@%ING OBJECTIVE! In conclusion, he is not a team player in a team game and we don’t understand the point of the character; he is the worst member of the Overwatch roster, does nothing to enhance gameplay and is really, terribly annoying!

And don’t bother messaging us to defend Hanzo either, because we don’t want to hear it. Find a new main.

We have escape rooms to build… *drops mic*

 

Photo credits: all photos of Hanzo are property of Blizzard Entertainment, source: https://playoverwatch.com/en-gb/media/